It's over...

I can't even think of how this happened.... less than a week ago, she said she wanted a break... I put the pieces together and found that she had been seeing my friend behind my back... I was mad when I told her we were done. But it doesn't feel like I left her... No... She left me for another man...

I should be mad at her and thinking "good riddance", but all I can think of is how I'll never see her smile again. That beautiful face won't ever be at my door. I'll never feel the sensation of those lips pressed against mind, or that warm embrace we shared at the end of every night... I have been a wreck since the announcement of the break. Every day I have cried. I have not smiled out of true happiness. I have deleted her on Facebook out of rage along with my so called "friend". I deleted our pictures from Facebook (even though they are still on my hard drive). Even with all of this, I still go to her Facebook page to see if she's posting happy things. I guess my frame of thinking is that if she is already happy after 2+ years, then did she truly care about me at all? Even with that, and knowing that no action I do will bring her back to me, that if I go over to her house or try to talk to her in person that I'll just be like Kelly, that I can't fight the man, the fact that she betrayed me all together... I still love her, and I can't bear for it to be this way.

I know we had hard times due to disagreements, but it wasn't that bad... was it?

Every day since then has been the hardest day ever. I can't even sleep without her in my dreams. I have zero appetite, and I'm practically forcing myself to eat. People are telling me "you deserve better" or "she's not good enough for you if she does something like that", but all I can think of is "fuck all of you, I want her back!"

An every-day-routine is becoming the hardest thing to do. I try to be with friends, but I can't last an hour before having to excuse myself so I can go break down in privacy. Smiling feels fake, and distractions on the TV only last about an hour before reality sets back in. That I am truly alone and she's never going to come back.

I've tried getting rid of that book she gave me for our 1-year, but I can't bring myself to throw it away... I thought about leaving it on her doorstep, but I'm not sure what reaction I would expect, or get. All I know now is that it hurts to live...

It's been so hard these past few days and I'm sure that this feeling will pass when I'm not crying. When I'm distracted I think things will be alright. But as soon a vision of us comes to my head or a thought of how I should have fought harder for us happens, I just break down and cry. The stress is eating away at me. My backbone is sore, and my chest hurts... All the time...

I have thought of suicide, but I could never do that. I'm too afraid of death, but the idea that I'm not far from death is in my head. Last night I was afraid that I would die in my sleep due to the pain in my chest...

Just put simply: I loved her... I still love her... I want her back, regardless of what happened... And I want us to be happy again...

I just want to feel alive again, instead of dead inside...

But my Hummingbird has flown away... Far from my reach...