Grievance.

When you are in a situation that you cannot control or cannot let go of, it is best to not let those around you worry. No matter how much you may want to lash out or hit something, pick a fight with someone who looks at you funny, or just walk around with a glazed over look in your eyes like and empty shell; it's best to remember the people that you still care about. Outlets are good, but they don't patch the wound so much as crudely cover it up.

I've gotten good at faking emotions with acting experience. Call this just a big play or something, because every time I go out to any place with who ever, the picture on my face is usually a falsified one. It shouldn't be a bad thing seeing as no one really worries anymore. They can all go back to living their own lives and their own problems. People needn't worry about my baggage.

As easy as it has become to shrug the anger off and place a mask over my face, it doesn't help when people constantly tell me that I just need to move to someone new, or claiming that I have a thing for someone, or someone telling me that I could go and get any girl I wanted and fuck her stupid. That's not how this works. This isn't a fucking game. Sex isn't a game! It's something that should be heart-felt. It should be something that isn't carnal, so much as a real connection between 2 people who genuinely care about each other.

I have... "freedom" now. Yet I still spend my time in my room, locked away from my friends. I go to the theatre more because I have friends there that I truly do care about. People that can actually make me feel alive. People who can make me show a real emotion from time to time. I fear that they can actually see through my bullshit, though.

Even though I love being there, I can't stand the circulation of rumors and the nagging annoyance that is a good friend of mine constantly talking to me about how if I were to get with a certain someone, he'd be cool with it. I even told him straight up last night that I want things just how they are. Unchanging. I want to just be friends with EVERYONE. Even if I did feel for someone right now, I couldn't ever act on it knowing full and well that my grief-stricken heart is filling my head with wild impulses all the time and that acting on them could be disastrous.

All I know is that I can't keep living like this. I need to move on, but it's just so hard... I have my friends, but with this incessant crap constantly being asked or inferred, it just makes me more irritated.

I'm infuriated. I'm desperately clinging on to everyone I have at that safe haven. Maybe I'm showing more affection towards others because of everything that has happened. I don't see it, but apparently others do. I guess I just need to keep laying low, without dropping completely out of sight.