Healing.

It has been awhile since the last post. And it may not be appropriate to title it "Healing". I believe the appropriate form should be the past tense. Healed.

There's been a LOT to deal with these past few months. Not just with all of the crap from the big break up, but the cluster of work that had to be done with actual work, "Sound of  Music", and the Strawberry Festival.

So an update on all that has happened:
- I am Rolf in SDI's production of "The Sound of Music".
- Tonight is opening night, and I am excited and scared.
- I am possibly the new lead singer of a band called Sundown Audio.
- Strawberry Festival = Nightmare
- I am getting fit as HELL!

I am overwhelmed with all of the work that has been happening. There have been too many things at once and plenty of rough patches along the way. But I'm finally making it to the other side of a very dark tunnel. I am genuinely happy, and do not want it to change.

My job is about to increase my workload by a WHOLE lot, as it will become a full time job where I will operate a CNC machine. My only worry about this new onslaught of work and the new band thing is that I will no longer have time to do as many shows as I want to do, which sucks because I'm excited for Frankenstein and I'm OVERJOYED about the next season, which I can't disclose.

I am still a bit worried that the new job will pay enough to make me live comfortably enough to where I don't need any more college. But the issue with that is, I want to go to college more. I like being a student. But, I guess it's better to have a stable job that pays well, than it is to pay for college tuition and have no direction of what you want out of it.

Oh well. I am happy. I have my worries about the future, but who doesn't.



Most importantly: the reason I am looking up more and more. A very special person. Her name is Gretchen.
I can't not smile when I'm with her. The night the Strawberry Festival ended, I finally stopped lying to myself about how I was feeling and took a leap of faith. Never thought the feelings would be mutual. So though I may be scared of what the future holds, I know that things are great now. And I'm not gonna waste these moments worrying about the future all the time.

Sentence.

"You can't help who you fall in love with."

A simple sentence heard countless times by me. You wanna love who you love, fine. But don't tell me that you were right in the way you went about it. You are finally growing up. Finally putting all the childish jealousy and possessiveness behind you.

So why couldn't you do that with me?! You are with him for 1 whole fucking month! We were together over 2 years! 2! Years! And you can just move on like nothing ever happened.

Go ahead! Make me believe this is hard for you! I fucking dare you!

Tell me you loved me and make me believe it! You won't be able to convince me that in the end, I was just there to make sure you didn't have to be single before you moved on to the next.

I hate every day because of you.

I hate my being alive because of you.

I hate faking my happiness because of you.

I hate going anywhere in this fucking town and always finding a way to connect it to you.

You can't even come close to imagining what you've done to me...

Grievance.

When you are in a situation that you cannot control or cannot let go of, it is best to not let those around you worry. No matter how much you may want to lash out or hit something, pick a fight with someone who looks at you funny, or just walk around with a glazed over look in your eyes like and empty shell; it's best to remember the people that you still care about. Outlets are good, but they don't patch the wound so much as crudely cover it up.

I've gotten good at faking emotions with acting experience. Call this just a big play or something, because every time I go out to any place with who ever, the picture on my face is usually a falsified one. It shouldn't be a bad thing seeing as no one really worries anymore. They can all go back to living their own lives and their own problems. People needn't worry about my baggage.

As easy as it has become to shrug the anger off and place a mask over my face, it doesn't help when people constantly tell me that I just need to move to someone new, or claiming that I have a thing for someone, or someone telling me that I could go and get any girl I wanted and fuck her stupid. That's not how this works. This isn't a fucking game. Sex isn't a game! It's something that should be heart-felt. It should be something that isn't carnal, so much as a real connection between 2 people who genuinely care about each other.

I have... "freedom" now. Yet I still spend my time in my room, locked away from my friends. I go to the theatre more because I have friends there that I truly do care about. People that can actually make me feel alive. People who can make me show a real emotion from time to time. I fear that they can actually see through my bullshit, though.

Even though I love being there, I can't stand the circulation of rumors and the nagging annoyance that is a good friend of mine constantly talking to me about how if I were to get with a certain someone, he'd be cool with it. I even told him straight up last night that I want things just how they are. Unchanging. I want to just be friends with EVERYONE. Even if I did feel for someone right now, I couldn't ever act on it knowing full and well that my grief-stricken heart is filling my head with wild impulses all the time and that acting on them could be disastrous.

All I know is that I can't keep living like this. I need to move on, but it's just so hard... I have my friends, but with this incessant crap constantly being asked or inferred, it just makes me more irritated.

I'm infuriated. I'm desperately clinging on to everyone I have at that safe haven. Maybe I'm showing more affection towards others because of everything that has happened. I don't see it, but apparently others do. I guess I just need to keep laying low, without dropping completely out of sight.

It's over...

I can't even think of how this happened.... less than a week ago, she said she wanted a break... I put the pieces together and found that she had been seeing my friend behind my back... I was mad when I told her we were done. But it doesn't feel like I left her... No... She left me for another man...

I should be mad at her and thinking "good riddance", but all I can think of is how I'll never see her smile again. That beautiful face won't ever be at my door. I'll never feel the sensation of those lips pressed against mind, or that warm embrace we shared at the end of every night... I have been a wreck since the announcement of the break. Every day I have cried. I have not smiled out of true happiness. I have deleted her on Facebook out of rage along with my so called "friend". I deleted our pictures from Facebook (even though they are still on my hard drive). Even with all of this, I still go to her Facebook page to see if she's posting happy things. I guess my frame of thinking is that if she is already happy after 2+ years, then did she truly care about me at all? Even with that, and knowing that no action I do will bring her back to me, that if I go over to her house or try to talk to her in person that I'll just be like Kelly, that I can't fight the man, the fact that she betrayed me all together... I still love her, and I can't bear for it to be this way.

I know we had hard times due to disagreements, but it wasn't that bad... was it?

Every day since then has been the hardest day ever. I can't even sleep without her in my dreams. I have zero appetite, and I'm practically forcing myself to eat. People are telling me "you deserve better" or "she's not good enough for you if she does something like that", but all I can think of is "fuck all of you, I want her back!"

An every-day-routine is becoming the hardest thing to do. I try to be with friends, but I can't last an hour before having to excuse myself so I can go break down in privacy. Smiling feels fake, and distractions on the TV only last about an hour before reality sets back in. That I am truly alone and she's never going to come back.

I've tried getting rid of that book she gave me for our 1-year, but I can't bring myself to throw it away... I thought about leaving it on her doorstep, but I'm not sure what reaction I would expect, or get. All I know now is that it hurts to live...

It's been so hard these past few days and I'm sure that this feeling will pass when I'm not crying. When I'm distracted I think things will be alright. But as soon a vision of us comes to my head or a thought of how I should have fought harder for us happens, I just break down and cry. The stress is eating away at me. My backbone is sore, and my chest hurts... All the time...

I have thought of suicide, but I could never do that. I'm too afraid of death, but the idea that I'm not far from death is in my head. Last night I was afraid that I would die in my sleep due to the pain in my chest...

Just put simply: I loved her... I still love her... I want her back, regardless of what happened... And I want us to be happy again...

I just want to feel alive again, instead of dead inside...

But my Hummingbird has flown away... Far from my reach...